


Blame

by IRegretNothingAndEverything



Series: The Pain of Healing [3]
Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Angst, Bubby Chews On Things He Shouldn't, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide mention, but it's REALLY vague
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:47:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26098873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IRegretNothingAndEverything/pseuds/IRegretNothingAndEverything
Summary: After the Roof Thing, Bubby worries that he's the reason, that his attacks during Black Mesa and the Resonance Cascade caused it.
Relationships: Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life)
Series: The Pain of Healing [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1954114
Comments: 3
Kudos: 121





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Someone asked for Bubby being angsty so here it is!!!

Harold was still awake when Bubby came back into the apartment. Benrey was passed out on the couch, curled up together with Tommy, Tommy’s legs over the back of the couch since he didn’t quite fit on the side that Benrey had chosen. Harold looked up when Bubby came in, and smiled at him, just barely, and Bubby nodding his head back, pushing the door just with his back before sinking to the floor, still leaning against the door. Harold paused, before standing, moving around the couch to sit across from him for a moment. One look, and Harold could tell that Bubby had been crying, his eyes still red and puffy, and he sniffled softly, before glancing towards the couch. 

“Uh... Benrey sleeps too lightly.” He muttered, before standing again, pulling open the door. Harold hummed, pulling on shoes to follow behind him, snagging a key from the hanging key rack next to the door, shutting and locking it behind him, following Bubby back down to the car. 

Bubby slipped into the back, after turning the car back on and settling in the back seat. Harold hummed, slipping in next to him, and the moment the door shut, Bubby clambered back over to him, and Harold sighed, wrapping his arms around him tightly, holding Bubby close. 

He didn’t push, letting Bubby cling onto him for the time being. Bubby would tell him eventually, and for now, Harold knew he just needed to be held. They all needed that every once in awhile. 

So they sat in quiet, some sort of rock station playing at low volume in the background while Bubby clung to him, sniffling softly as Harold hummed along with whatever was playing. 

It took a readjustment, Harold leaning back against the car door, stretched out across the seat of the car with Bubby laying on him, for Bubby finally to speak, though he had pressed his face against Harold’s chest. 

“Do... did I cause it?” Harold frowned, rubbing a hand down Bubby’s back carefully, as Bubby lifted his head to look at him, cheeks streaked with tears. 

“No, hun, no. You didn’t cause this.” 

“But, I... I contributed to it. I helped conspire to get him into that room, and got his arm cut off, I helped that along, I... I traumatized him, Harold.” Bubby hiccuped, ducking his face back into Harold’s chest. Harold frowned, rubbing his back lightly, holding him a bit tighter. 

“So did Benrey, and Gordon did say that this wasn’t the first time. Without what helps him, I... I feel like this would have happened eventually anyways. The events of the Resonance Cascade just... sped up the process.” Harold shifted, tugging him a bit closer. “And you apologized. You built him that arm.” 

“I wouldn’t have needed to apologize if I hadn’t done that in the first place.” He muttered bitterly, before biting at Harold’s shirt, closing his eyes tightly as he tried to get his breathing back under control. 

“No, maybe not, but you do regret it, and you apologized. He forgave you, a while back. If you had any part in this, it wasn’t big enough for him to blame you now.” 

Bubby went silent, before his eyes flicked back up to Harold’s. “I blame me.” 

Harold nodded slowly, holding him a bit tighter, letting him lay his head back down. He didn’t know how to fix that, didn’t know the magic words that would let Bubby let go of that guilt, and it killed him. All Harold could do now was hold him tight and let him cry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked for Bubby talking to Gordon about everything so uh! Here this is!

As the climbed the stairs again, only stopped from falling asleep in the car by Harold managing to stay just awake enough to look at the time, Harold looked over to Bubby, whose shoulders were hunched in on himself, head bowed. It was so different from his usual confidence, and, perhaps some of it could be contributed to exhaustion, but Harold knew there was more than that. 

“You need to talk to Gordon about this.” He said quietly, and Bubby’s eyes darted to him, just for a moment, before they dropped again, before nodding slightly. Harold sighed lowly, wrapping an arm around him as they walked up, only letting go to open the door again. 

Tommy was awake, eyes darting towards them from the kitchen. He was quiet, though, upon seeing Bubby, smiled, raising a mug towards them. Bubby shook his head slightly, though smiled. “Just gonna... go to bed.” He murmured, and slipped off to the guest room that he and Harold had taken over. Harold look towards Tommy, who frowned at him, and shook his head slightly. 

“He’ll be alright.” 

“Go with him.” Tommy said, then turned back to making his tea. After just a moment of watching Tommy, Harold nodded, and followed. 

* * *

Fanta was a welcome pet into the group. Another dog that Joshua wasn’t allergic too brought the child a lot of joy, not to mention the fact that Fanta was very in tune with Gordon, also the same way that Sunkist was with Tommy. Bubby was half sure that, with time, Fanta would be able to have the same reaction time as Sunkist. 

Having two dogs basically made to sniff out anxiety, however... 

Well, when Fanta took over Sunkist’s job with Gordon, his paws full, Sunkist of course checked with Tommy, as always, and then attached herself to Bubby. 

It was helpful, sure, but kind of a give away, when everyone knows. No one... said anything, and Bubby was still debating how to talk about the whole thing without making it about him, which was the last thing he wanted to do, so it was helpful. If no one talked about it, than he could keep pondering in silence, with Sunkist draped over his lap. 

Gordon dropped onto the couch next to him, Fanta trailing after quietly. There was a moment, where Fanta reached up, pressed his nose to Sunkist’s side, before settling on Gordon’s feet, head on his paws. Sunkist lifted her head just for a moment, then lay it back down on Bubby’s hand, trapping it there once more, after he had tried to bite at his cuticles again. 

For a moment, they were silent, before Bubby sighed, carefully worming his hands free from under Sunkist. She watched, not stopping him, and he shifted to sit up properly, Sunkist sliding off his lap to allow this. She settled down near Fanta, who lifted his head slightly before laying it back down. 

“Bubby?” 

“I have no clue how in the world to talk about this, so I’m just... gonna say it.” Bubby stared down at his lap resolutely, pressing his palms together tightly, hands clenched together. He didn’t dig his nails into the back of his hand, not yet, but it was a close thing, stopped only by knowing Sunkist was still watching. 

“What’s up?” Gordon asked carefully, turning a bit to face him, and Bubby sighed lowly, closing his eyes. 

“I...” He paused again, then shook his head. God, he couldn’t get the thoughts out, couldn’t form them properly. “Okay. Can I preface this with it’s my own bullshit?” 

Gordon blinked at him, before carefully pushing Fanta off his feet to turn himself fully to face Bubby, legs cross on the couch. “Bubby. Is this about the roof thing?” 

He groaned softly, but nodded, then frowned. “Kinda. I just... Did I...” He paused again, but Gordon seemed to understand. 

“You and Benrey having me jumped sucked. You know that much, but no. You are not a direct cause of that.” Bubby frowned, nodding slightly, and Gordon shifted, tugging xem forwards slightly, and Bubby went easily, wrapping his arms around Gordon tightly. 

“I know, I’m... ugh.” 

“Take your time, Bubby.” 

They sat like that for a moment, in silence. It was so much easier to talk to Harold about this, for some reason. The same words could have worked here, but for some reason they felt wrong, and Bubby couldn’t explain it properly. He had to push past it, clinging to Gordon quietly. 

“I... traumatized you.” He settled on, and Gordon hummed above him. “I did that, and I... that helped this along...” 

“Well... I’m not gonna pretend that I wasn’t traumatized by that... I mean, you’ve seen that, but, Bubby. You were the first to get me out of that the first time. You helped, and you’ve more than made up for it. The roof thing... that wasn’t you. That was a choice I made, and it was... not a good one, but you aren’t the cause for that, and even if you were, your role in that would have been... so minuscule as not to matter.” 

Bubby glared up at him halfheartedly, and Gordon laughed. “Not downplaying trauma. Just saying that the trauma wasn’t the biggest part of it? It pushed this along, but, Bubby, I’ve always been depressed. I’ve always had suicidal thoughts. That’s just... I’ve lived with that. Black Mesa pushed that shit along, but that wasn’t my first attempt and you know that. Any role you had in it was small enough that... I don’t care? You’re still my family.” 

There was a moment, and then Bubby huffed, hiding his face in Gordon’s chest. “Sap.” Gordon laughed loudly, arms wrapped around him carefully. 

“Yeah. So are you though. 

Bubby didn’t dignify that with a response, which... really... just proved Gordon’s point. 

**Author's Note:**

> Anyways, I have written many angst. Perhaps something fluffy soon.


End file.
